Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it could have a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury property calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.

Sure, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler both-no, we are chatting Damascus, town historically recognized for historic tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It's going to be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared via a leaked golf cart Zoom simply call, streamed from the Placing eco-friendly within Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We've had gorgeous ceasefires in Syria. A number of the greatest. But now, we are developing them with balconies."

Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and totally outside of position. Designed by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-floor On line casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Joyful Hour right until the drone flies")

In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a neighborhood textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Certainly, certain, let us have An additional position where American Adult males can have on robes and call it diplomacy."

In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, of course."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. overseas coverage analysts are calling this the most audacious peace endeavor since Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful underneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is simpler: offer All people a set around the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.

Based on files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal features "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This is certainly comfortable electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a deal plus a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO does not. Geopolitical gridlock requirements much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in Every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Fascination famous, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower in a war zone. It truly is that Trump Tower Damascus he should cease working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when requested with regard to the venture, replied, "You are aware of, man, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Very good persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I nevertheless have that ice product?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a collection for "upcoming proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility in the Levant."

Satellite Photographs Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head visible from Place, a element currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents along with the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after obtaining the constructing's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.

"It is really not merely unattractive. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.

The Melania Wing together with other Complicated Attributes

Perhaps the strangest aspect of the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:

A silent atrium where guests may possibly ponder obscure disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, comprehensive with local climate Management set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which includes her "I don't care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Nearby Syrians are Not sure what to help make of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested 12-yr-outdated Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Advertising and marketing Tactic: "For those who Bomb It, They Will Occur"

The advert marketing campaign, just lately leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. A single poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Endlessly."

One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:

"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."

General public reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll done within a hookah lounge shows:

34% say "it would stabilize the area"

29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"

18% said "where by's the nearest elevator to the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "Last but not least, a Disaster That Pays"

The task is currently attracting notice from Worldwide buyers, which includes:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire 3 penthouses "in order to flex on Hezbollah."

In accordance with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's professional level may even involve:

A Dollar Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances

A Concept Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Area Based upon the Iraq War

Comment Area Chaos

To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb article about the unveiling, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Won't be able to wait around to check out a marriage in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in place of rice."

Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down support."

Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian merely questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Outcome

U.S. officers fret the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real Estate Arms Race." Stories propose:

China may open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is planning a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights run by raw ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. According to https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has made available to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Degree Suite."

Remaining Ideas within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Inside of a closing ceremony that concerned a few camels, a flamethrower, as well as a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed above the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave it all three. You happen to be welcome."